tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-40192605544023833522024-02-20T17:40:14.892-08:00The Empty BedAn empty bed ... left empty by the death of a child or loved one. The pain of that empty bed is felt deeply by parents, family and friends. Other ways the empty bed is felt ... through loss of spouse to death or divorce. This blog is in honor of my son Jesse who died suddenly and unexpectedly of hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, and left his bed empty.The Empty Bedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00633291902106528542noreply@blogger.comBlogger24125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4019260554402383352.post-26263998215421235652012-01-03T03:04:00.000-08:002012-01-03T03:04:28.967-08:00HCM and Ben BreedloveBen Breedlove made the news when he died Christmas day 2011. He left some YouTube Videos before he died. <br />
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Here's a link to the news report that includes a couple of his YouTube links.<br />
<a href="http://www.ksl.com/?sid=18658438&nid=1010&title=texas-teen-leaves-heartfelt-message-before-christmas-death">http://www.ksl.com/?sid=18658438&nid=1010&title=texas-teen-leaves-heartfelt-message-before-christmas-death</a><br />
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His message brings tears to my eyes. Thank you Ben. <br />
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With love,<br />
ElizabethThe Empty Bedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00633291902106528542noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4019260554402383352.post-46204106316213927402012-01-03T02:36:00.000-08:002012-01-03T02:51:37.236-08:00One More ChristmasI recently found a stack of unopened Christmas cards from last Christmas (2010). Our first Christmas without Jesse physically here. I didn't realize just what a hard time I was having until I found those unopened cards. It hit me hard just how difficult it was. <br />
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Part of what makes it hard is that Jesse's birthday is Dec 17 one week before Christmas Eve. He came home from the hospital in a Christmas stocking. It was wonderful to have some of our other children here this Christmas. The pain is easier to escape when we have them around ... and our sweet little granddaughters, what a joy they are. And when they all left the loneliness hit doubly hard. <br />
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It helps to keep busy. I feel so blessed to be able to do the work I do -- helping others, what a blessing it is to me!<br />
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It is my desire to live each day to the fullest -- to be able to serve God and my fellow man in a way that will make it so that at the end of my life I can stand before God and myself and say "I did my best", every moment of every day I did my best -- even when it was hard and hurt. I keep working on my brain and my thinking. It can be quite the challenge especially with dark forces whispering all kinds of lies in my ears trying to take me down. I'm learning how to take my brain back and not listen to those lies. I'm learning how to focus on the many blessings in my life, to focus on the 16 years that we got to have Jesse with us. That we got to have him at all. I am blessed in so many ways. I'm so grateful for our 7 children who are still here with us. I'm so glad that I listened to that feeling that told me to focus on my children. I knew I had a short time with Stefen and Jesse while they were finishing up High School. They were my main priority and I'm so glad I listened to those promptings. Even though there were still regrets, not enough time or hugs. Not enough I love yous. I do my best to never miss an opportunity to say I love you and give a hug.<br />
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I'm so grateful to be able to have beautiful family, friends and women in my life who I know understand my pain, my joy and my heart.<br />
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Thank you all for all the ways you bless me, my life and my family.<br />
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Love,<br />
ElizabethThe Empty Bedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00633291902106528542noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4019260554402383352.post-45926374195174865892011-05-09T01:39:00.000-07:002011-05-09T01:58:54.119-07:00Learning at Women's Conference<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">This year I was blessed to go to the Women's Conference at BYU.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">We lost our youngest 16 year old son Jesse this last July 7th. It was a healing and needed break to go to the conference this year. There were many wonderful classes but I will mention only two that impacted me the most.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">The first class I will share was entitled "Choosing Joy : Lift Up Thy Heart and Rejoice" was a young woman Meg Johnson who at the age of 22, in 2004, had an accident that left her paralyzed. Her fall broke both legs, both arms, her collar bone and her neck at c 7 leaving her a paraplegic - paralyzed from the chest down. She is a beautiful young woman, exuberant in her love for life. I cried and I laughed as she shared her story and her spirit. We all laughed, she has the funniest sense of humor and an amazing faith.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">She shared how her 17 yr old brother went and prayed earnestly that he might take her trail, he didn't want to she his sister suffer so. He was chastised and told by the spirit "What gives you the right to take her challenge?"</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Meg told of a dream/ vision where she saw herself in the preexistence sitting at a table with a man who was telling her what it was like to be paralyzed and she was so excited she could hardly wait to get to experience being paralyzed, and to learn all the lessons involved with that experience.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Meg sees the humor in her life and the challenges she faces as she lives with her rag doll body, as she describes it. She had us all laughing as she described trying to get into her car during a rain storm and how she fell, her wheel chair rolled away and she feel into a puddle on the ground. It was hilarious to her tell of a tiny little old lady coming to her rescue. What a beautiful and delightful young woman.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">She talked about having tubes coming out of every part of her body .. two coming out of her lungs draining the liquid that had accumulated in her lungs due to her injuries. They thought she had brain injury and so they had tied down her hands -- the only thing she could move. As she lie there suffering and crying she started to pray -- she prayed to love the ceiling, and then the window, and the car outside the window ... etc etc. everything she could see, and her tears turned to tears of love and gratitude. She said that gratitude from your heart is "I love you".</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">It was very humbling to hear her. She has such a funny sense of humor she could be a comedian -- she had the whole room laughing.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">She talked about how serving is what keeps her going and happy. Meg has married and serves once a week at least. She drives a car and lives an amazing life despite her challenges. Meg says "Service has healed me in a way the hospital can't."</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">The other class I want to share was by Dennis and Joyce Ashton -- Facing Grief and Disappointment "In the Quiet Heart is Hidden" (hymn # 220)</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I was going to share the website they gave us .. but it doesn't seem to work. I'll share it anyway -- maybe it's temporarily down -- jashton@mstar.net . Shar tole me about the Ashtons, their work and their books. I got their book "Jesus Wept". I was so happy when I saw their class at the Women's Conference -- it took me a bit to make the connection. I wish I'd realized before I would have taken their book the first day for them to sign. I had hoped that there would be a class at Education week on grief but there wasn't and so I was happy to find the Ashton's class.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">A lot of what they shared was not new rather a reaffirmation -- but so good to hear. There were things that touched my heart deeply. I sat there and cried and cried. You know how it is when there's understanding. I'll put my thoughts in quotation marks.)</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I heard some things that really stood out to me. It was Dennis Ashton that talked about the things that made me cry</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">We don't grieve less with time -- We grieve less often with time. ( Now my words and interpretation -- we will never miss them less -- and the pain of missing them will never go away, but times lessens the amount of time we spend grieving)</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Grieving is not a lack of faith.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">The pain is directly related to the amount of love ... (just like Kahlil Gibran says ... and the scriptures.)</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Shakespeare said -- "Everyone can master a grief ... but he who has it."</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Spiritual Injuries happen when life's realities contradict and /or conflict with previously held spiritual assumptions. Dennis talked about a woman who refused to get help .. for fear that if others who thought she was so faithful and strong found out that she struggled and needed help it would shatter their faith.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">He quotes some scriptures from Job that are excellent -- Job 21:34 Job 16:2 Job 16: 4-5</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Here's Job 16: 2-5 (1-5) Then Job answered and said, 2)I have heard many such things: miserable comforters are ye all. (this one made me laugh :)) 3)Shall vain words have an end? or what emboldeneth thee that thou answereth? 4) I also could speak as ye do: if your soul were in my soul's stead, I could heap up words against you, and shake my head at you. 5) But I would strengthen you with my mouth, and the moving of my lips should asswage your grief.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Dennis talked about the many things that people say because they don't know better. Well meaning but how they can hurt.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">He talked about how our trials refine us. The refiner's fire.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Listen to understand .... not to be understood. :)</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">He talked about our baptismal covenants and how we are to bear one another's burdens. .... mourn with those that mourn. I'm sure we could each talk about the perfect cards we received ... or those times that someone said the perfect thing to us -- that touched our heart and brought tears to our eyes because of the compassion and love we felt.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">He talked about Victor Frankel .. I love his writings -- What is the name of his book? He talks about finding meaning in life and suffering.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">The last experience that Dennis related brought me to tears. He was walking his dog and his friend came over and the reminisced about experiences they'd had with his 14 year old son who'd died. As they were finishing up he said "Dennis I want you to know I'll never get tired of hearing you talk about Cameron."</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I sat there with tears running down my face remembering that first email I got from Sharlen -- her telling me that she'd never get tired of hearing me talk about my boy -- my Jesse .... and even now as I write this it brings me to tears ... it did the first time I read/ heard those words and it will every time I suppose. I think about what Sharlen shared with me just recently -- A dear friend who had someone ask her if she was over the death of her dear son. The pain of the comment hurt so deeply she went to our Heavenly Father with her pain and asked if she was wrong for wanting to remember and talk about her dear son. The answer that came to her was "Now you know how I feel -- I want my son to be remembered and talked about." May we all remember not only our earthly sons and daughters but our Savior who gave his life for us. Who gives us hope of eternal life, and reunion with our sons who have gone on before us through the Atonement and Resurrection. </span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
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</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Elizabeth</span></div>The Empty Bedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00633291902106528542noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4019260554402383352.post-15642441334516251932011-03-22T02:38:00.000-07:002011-03-22T03:35:52.733-07:00Donation -- The gift of sight ....<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">When we were at the hospital with Jesse's body they asked us if we wanted to have Jesse be a donor. The question caught me off guard because I didn't realized that one could be a donor after they were already dead. The questions hit like a punch in the gut. The shock of being with his lifeless body was enough without the thought of the invasive and seemingly irreverent procedures that donation would involve. We asked for a little time to think about it. We had never thought about it, let alone discussed it. </span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">We had to stop and ask ourselves the question "What would Jesse want us to do? What would Jesse want done with his body?" We felt that he would want to help another. So ... as hard as it already was we decided that we'd let Jesse be a donor. I guess there's a lot that can be donated even after someone has passed away. They can't "harvest" the organs, but there's a lot that they can use. The corneas, the skin, and other tissues. My dear friend Ranelle Wallace who had a near death experience and wrote the Book "The Burning Within" (amazing book by the way) told me that they can make a large graft from just one inch of skin. They can also use the long bones and other tissues. </span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">One of the most difficult conversations I ever had was talking about what was to be taken or not, and harvested. I don't know if there's a way to prepare for such a experience, maybe to be more informed before hand. To understand how it works, and also how it blesses lives. The people who worked with us were helpful and kind. </span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I wasn't prepared for just how invasive the process would be on Jesse's body. He had over 16 feet of incisions on his body. They also did an autopsy, as his death was unattended by a medical Dr, so there were those incisions as well. The incisions were leaking and so the put cotton bandaging over then and wrapped his body in plastic. I hate the whole embalming process. The body feels like plastic to me after it is embalmed. </span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Here's a poem I wrote for Jesse and those who have donated or been the recipient of a donor, and for all the families who are touched by this process. </span><br />
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</span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><b><u><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Angel Eyes</span></u></b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Your beautiful eyes, </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Laughing ~ Shinning Bright</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">With Joy and life,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Suddenly --</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Too quickly, too soon,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Your physical eyes -- forever closed. </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Donation? </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">The question stings. </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">We don't know .... </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">What would you want?</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">You'd want to help another. </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Yes, ... as hard as it is ~</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">We honor you -- your life,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">what we feel your wishes are. </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Your beautiful eyes ~ </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">a short life of glorious sight,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Now .... </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">can go on, blessing the lives of two, </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">that were blind,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">who now can see. </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Tears of grief and joy are shed</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">for the gift of sight</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">given from your bright and shining eyes.</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Angel eyes,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">now watching over us </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">from heaven. </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
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</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">(c) Elizabeth M Allen</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Written in Honor of H Jesse Allen</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">by his mother</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
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</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Thanks to the Utah Lions Eye Bank, the John A Moran Eye Center and the University of Utah School of Medicine, for kind and loving support at a most difficult time. </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
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</div>The Empty Bedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00633291902106528542noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4019260554402383352.post-25573517288533988272011-03-09T00:39:00.000-08:002011-03-09T00:39:04.692-08:00EVA CASSIDY - AUTUMN LEAVES (Lyrics)<iframe width="425" height="344" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/--xW8HPJRY0?fs=1" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen=""></iframe>The Empty Bedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00633291902106528542noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4019260554402383352.post-89098802020615949822011-03-08T10:46:00.000-08:002011-03-08T10:46:55.372-08:00One Day Closer - Part 3It was 8 months ago today (March 7, 2011) that Jesse passed away. These mensaversaries can be harder than I think they will be. Here's the poem that came to me today as I was reflecting once again on that enemy - time.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><b><u><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">One Day Closer </span></u></b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Feeling like time</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">the enemy</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">was pulling your further away</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">from me,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">my memories of you ...</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Suddenly </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">the realization </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Each day - each moment,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">brings me closer</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">one day - one moment at a time</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">closer</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">to when I will see you,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">feel you,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">hear your voice,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">hug you,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">again</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Until then</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I pray</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Let each day be blessed</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">with strength and Love,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">fond memories</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">of you and our love. </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Lead me to serve</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">those in need.</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">May my life be blessed</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">that when I see you again,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I will hear you say ~</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">"Thanks Mom -</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">For living with Love </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">for the way you honored me,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">my memory,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">the way you lived </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">with passion and courage."</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">A breath, </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">and I hear my heart,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">That same prayer </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I humbly offer</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">to my Savior Jesus</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Son of God.</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">My hope ~</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">That when I behold thy face</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I might hear ~</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">"Well done,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Thou good and faithful daughter."</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Each day a gift,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">a chance to love and serve,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">bringing us closer</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">to meeting once again,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">those we love,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">in realms above. </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">(c) Elizabeth M Allen</div><div style="text-align: center;">March 7, 2011</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
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</div>The Empty Bedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00633291902106528542noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4019260554402383352.post-37568168504496156752011-03-08T10:06:00.001-08:002011-03-08T10:06:37.283-08:00One Day Closer - Part 2This next poem - Life Goes On - I wrote the first day of school. Stefen's senior year and what was supposed to be Jesse's junior year. I attended the assembly that morning as they were doing a little memorial for Jesse. I got the message that I could have said something much later. I was just too out of it I guess. It meant a lot that they did what they did. Mrs Anderson the principle at the time was wonderful with me - us. Mr. Welton Jesse's debate teacher and coach spoke about Jesse and did a wonderful memorial for him. <br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><b><u><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Life Goes On </span></u></b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Life goes on ~ </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">or so it should </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I'm told. </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">But how? </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">When my world, </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">turned upside down</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">since you left </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">will never ~ can never</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">be quite the same,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">for me,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">your father,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">and siblings,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">those who loved you,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">whose lives you touched. </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Today the first day,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">back to school,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">without you,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">You not here.</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Yeah, it was touching</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">and sweet,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">a wonderful tribute,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">a moment of silence</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">in memory of you.</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">A cheer for you,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">for who you are </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">and your life.</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Then -- not missing a beat</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">as if nothing had happened</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">the fun and frolicking </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">laughter and cheering continue --</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">because,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Life goes on. </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">(c) Elizabeth M Allen</div><div style="text-align: center;">August 24, 2010</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
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</div>The Empty Bedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00633291902106528542noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4019260554402383352.post-92195870486370100962011-03-07T14:21:00.000-08:002011-03-07T14:21:37.806-08:00One Day Closer<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Three times is a charm? I hope so!! I've lost my post twice now. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Today as I woke up and facing my full to do list, I found I just couldn't focus, didn't want to do anything -- in fact here it is now 3 pm and I'm still in my nightgown ... it doesn't help that I've been working at posting my poem since this morning. Haven't even eaten yet. I realized that it was 8 months ago to today that Jesse passed away. No wonder -- it's so strange how these days effect me. Even if I don't "remember" it seems there is always some part of me that does remember. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">As I was reflecting once again on time being the enemy a poem popped into my head. Another gift -- that's what it feels like when a poem comes the way the poem today did ... first with the title and then as I write it just seems to flow, the words and ideas come. The Poem I wrote today is One Day Closer -- It reminded me of, and reread two poems I wrote back in August. I'll share those first to keep the flow. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">First I'll share the poem "Time" that I wrote Aug 2, 2010</span><br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Time</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">The healer</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">and the enemy.</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">How long have you been gone...</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Away from us, </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">those who mark time,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">First in minuets, </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">then hours and days ...</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">until finally </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">months and years</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">have gone by. </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">And you ~</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">here ~ in our minds,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">age 16, July 2010</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Illusions of time,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">making events,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">birthdays,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">that leave their mark on us</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Those, still here</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">more wrinkles and grey hair</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">more babies born</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">as once you were</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I see you in them now,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I cherish the memories </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">of caresses</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">holding my elbow ;) </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">once annoying</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Time</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">leaving you</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">unaged ~ unchanged</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Now</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">timeless experiences</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">of you, the real you,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">the timeless</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">unchangeable you.</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Given to our timeless </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">unchangeable love,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Love Eternal</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Here we are</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">the timeless </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">in mortality and time</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Until we join</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">once again</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">in timlessness</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">(c) Elizabeth M Allen</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">August 2, 2010</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Part One ... I'll post this in three parts ... just to be safe. :) </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
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</div>The Empty Bedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00633291902106528542noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4019260554402383352.post-20142940429130100482011-02-21T01:21:00.000-08:002011-02-21T01:23:03.854-08:00Mother Mary<div style="line-height: 12.0pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">Dear Mary </span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">Mother of Jesus</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">I understand a tiny bit more </span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">Now -- </span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">Now that I've lost</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">my own, dear son -- </span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">too young, too soon. </span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">Bitter tears </span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">at the thought of your loss --</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">Your suffering -- </span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">the suffering of your Son.</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">Terrible beyond imagination </span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">At least I never had to endure </span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">the pain of witnessing </span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">the suffering of my dear sweet son.</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">Tears fall for you </span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">his mother, and for him</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">Our Savior</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">Who suffered the pain of all mankind</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">drops of blood from every pore </span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">Mocked and tortured -- body broken</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">for me .... for you</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">That once again </span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">We might rise </span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">alive -- renewed </span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">restored and whole </span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">Our sins washed clean</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">through Him ~ </span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">In Glory Risen </span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">Rejoicing in His great Love </span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">and sacrifice. </span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">That we might be with Him </span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">In heavenly realms above,</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">once more -- to be,</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">with those we hold so near and dear. </span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">Now in our hearts and memory.</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">Spirit and Body -- never to part. </span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">Thank you Mary, Mother of God</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">for all you gave -- your suffering </span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">and sacrifice, </span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">that the Son of God </span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">might come. and through </span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">his great suffering,</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">the ultimate sacrifice for sin,</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">For all mankind -- redeemed </span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></div><div style="line-height: 12.0pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white; font-family: Tahoma, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;">to rise immortal once again. </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"> </span></span></div>The Empty Bedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00633291902106528542noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4019260554402383352.post-35464378271119976102011-01-20T01:34:00.000-08:002011-01-23T16:19:50.525-08:00Clutching<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: center;"></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; line-height: 24px;"><b><u><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-text-decorations-in-effect: none; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"></span></u></b></span></span><br />
<div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; line-height: 24px;"><b><u><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-text-decorations-in-effect: none; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"><br />
</span></u></b></span></span></div></div><br />
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: center;"><b><u><span style="line-height: 24px;"><br />
</span></u></b></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 24px;"><b><u><br />
</u></b></span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: black;"></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">I just finished this -- I wrote it tonight. I had the opportunity to visit with the parents of one of the boys who was with Jesse when he died. The father told me that Jesse was clutching his chest and had scratched it when he collapsed. Ethan and Benjiimon were afraid to move or turn Jesse over, but they did when the 911 dispatcher told them to. That was when they saw that he was clutching his chest with both hands and had scratched himself. I didn't know that until tonight. It has been a hard, very sad crying night for me. I'm not sure if I completely understand the comfort in sharing -- but there is. This is my version of what happened in the hospital the day Jesse died. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"><span style="color: #888888;"><br />
</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: separate; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 16px;"></span></span><br />
<div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><strong>Clutching</strong></span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">The thought of you</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">There alone</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">Clutching at your heart, scratching your chest.</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">Trying desperately to stop the pain –</span></div><div style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">Futilely willing your stopped heart to beat again.</span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse;">Clutching at life,</span></span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">Lying there on the hard cold floor.</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">Your life draining away.</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">Me so far away –</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">Helpless to do anything,</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">To hold you, comfort you and love you.</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">My dear sweet son ~~</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><strong>Remembering</strong></span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><strong></strong></span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">I'm coming – after driving for two hours – </span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">Your boy has died they say, we're sorry... </span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">"He’s not ready" they say. </span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">I don’t care, “Please, just take me to my boy!” </span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">I insist until finally they take us. </span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">I come in and find you lying there on a hard metal hospital table. </span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">I pull the sheet down, away from your face, now blue,</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">the rosy color of life drained from your face and body.</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">Your body, slowly growing cold. </span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">I lean over you, laying my head on yours and let the sobs rack my body as the pain tears through me – body and soul. </span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">This can’t be happening – it can’t be. </span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">We sob and sob, your father and I.</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">The mortician comes to take you away – No we can’t, we’re not ready, and Glenna and Matt aren’t even here yet.</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">No … we’re not ready.</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">After the sobs subside I lift your hand and hold it – your precious hand. </span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">I examine every part of it, the bracelet on your wrist, given to you by Ethan, the cut your were so proud of, received while cleaning up and playing your boyish games. </span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">I notice the dirt under your fingernails. </span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">I love this hand, your strong muscular arm, everything about it and you. I hold and examine your other hand, loving this body that served you so well for the 16 years you were with us, this body of yours, I love it and I love you.</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">I caress and notice every part of your head and face, your ears, memorizing you, your forehead, your lips and teeth around the tube they used to try and resuscitate you. </span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">I will never forget this face – this beautiful, handsome face, my son. </span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">I open your closed eyelids to peek at your eyes. Your beautiful green eyes that sparkled so. The sparkle is gone now.</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">The mortician is still waiting and finally leaves telling us he will come back when we are finished. </span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">I will not be rushed. This is the last time I will get to really be with your body.</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">I play with your hair, your hair you were so proud of, hair the girls were so jealous of. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">I ask for scissors to cut a lock or two of your hair to remember you. Don't worry I'll cut it from the back so no one will be able to tell. </span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">I caress your beard, face and hair for a long time. I kiss your forehead and cheeks. Kisses enough to last -- a little while at least. </span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">I groom you – gently scratch all the little bumps off your forehead. I play with your beard and facial hair, so manly, so young.</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">I talk to you – “No driver’s ed for you!” I say jokingly. </span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">Chris and Maren bring Ethan and Benjiimon. Ethan is wearing sun glasses to hide the fact he's been crying. Benjiimon is keeping on a brave and somber face. We talk and ask questions, we need to know every detail. What happened? We need to know. </span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">We talk, we cry, we call your brother’s and sisters, Glenna and Matt are on their way, we give directions the best we can. Yes he’s dead we say. It is unbelievable. Glenna and Matt arrive. We hug and sob once again as Matt and Glenna join in our caresses.</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">I move to your feet and legs, caressing and noticing everything about them, the story they tell. That bare patch on your right shin, what? a dare? a game? Who could stand to rip off the most hair with duct tape? And of course you won. We laugh at the fun you always had.</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">You’re moving on you say... A transfer, a new calling. "Sorry I couldn’t stay a little longer I was having so much fun. Life is great isn’t it. I love you. Sorry I had to leave so suddenly and unexpectedly."</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">We stay with your body, loving it, caressing it, memorizing it. We can’t believe you are really leaving us.</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">Donation? they ask, what about tissue donation? What? I didn’t think we could do that after death. No, is it possible?</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">What would you want us to do? Yes, you would want to help another.</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">OK … we’ll think about it.</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">It is so hard to leave. We never want to leave – so very final. </span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">You will never be the same – after the autopsy and donations … so much of you will be gone. Embalming. So final.</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">We turn to go and slowly start to leave, but I can’t.</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">I remember I have some oils in my purse. I go get them.</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">I put the sweet smelling oil on your feet and legs, your arms and hands, your face and hair.</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">You will smell sweet with the oils given and applied by your mother.</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">I love you Jesse, I love you so very much. </span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">Finally I can turn and leave … reluctantly, slowly. Leaving the body of my dear boy, Jesse.</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">Elizabeth M Allen</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><br />
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</u></b></span></span></span></div></div>The Empty Bedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00633291902106528542noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4019260554402383352.post-87175327117853084122011-01-08T00:31:00.000-08:002011-01-08T00:31:10.172-08:00The Empty Bed: Grave Yards<a href="http://theemptybed.blogspot.com/2011/01/grave-yards.html?spref=bl">The Empty Bed: Grave Yards</a>: "I didn't used to understand graveyards. I hate to admit that I used to think it was kind of silly. Then after the loss of my son..."The Empty Bedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00633291902106528542noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4019260554402383352.post-50848108463383061972011-01-08T00:29:00.000-08:002011-01-08T00:29:36.328-08:00Grave Yards<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I didn't used to understand graveyards. I hate to admit that I used to think it was kind of silly. Then after the loss of my son Jesse I finally gained an understanding of what it is all about. Graveyards, and Shrines. They are a place and way for those who are left behind, have lost a loved one, to create a place to honor and remember the loved one(s) who has passed on. </span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">It is a place to go and feel close to and communicate with the one(s) you love and miss so much. Although I know it's not where Jesse is any more, it is where his body rests, the body that housed his spirit, his body that I loved to hug, that laughed and hugged me back. I like to see the things that his friends bring to his grave to decorate it, to show their love and respect. It is a place that we will go as family to be together while we think of Jesse and reflect on his life. We pray there for peace and comfort for the blessing of having had Jesse in our lives and many other things. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">As I said I have a new understanding and respect for graves and graveyards. For the mourning process. When we go to the cemetery now we visit "our neighbors" most we don't know and some we do know. As we go and visit our neighbors at the cemetery we reflect on those who have gone on, of the families left behind and how they must have felt and feel at their loss, and we go and visit the graves of friends who came to the cemetery near the same time that Jesse came. </span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">It is a totally different experience now. We still don't have a head stone picked out. Picking out the right one has been a bigger chore than we realized it would be. We want it to reflect who Jesse was and is. We want it to be a place that we can visit and rest when we go there, a place someone could sit and reflect (not in winter of course) if they wanted to. </span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">It is a different perspective and understanding that I have now, now that I'm in a place to understand, and hopefully my understanding will help those who haven't yet gained their own understanding.</span><br />
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</span>The Empty Bedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00633291902106528542noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4019260554402383352.post-66645264589596607352010-12-29T22:23:00.000-08:002010-12-29T22:23:27.237-08:00Finding Purpose in LifeWe had a good time at Jesse's birthday celebration. The movie was better than we thought it would be.<br />
We had so much fun playing 1000 Blank White Cards. Moselle made wonderful instruction booklets with copies of some of the cards that Jesse had made. We had such a good time playing the game. It was so good to have friends and family there. I love having Jesse's friends around. <br />
<br />
Ethan and Benjiimon wrote a story that they read to all of us. I loved it! It was fun to read the memories that Jesse's friends and family shared of him. <br />
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Yesterday I received an email from Daily Kindness that told the story of Elena Desserich who was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor at the age of five and then died at the age of 6. It reminds me of my niece Rachel who also died of a brain tumor. Here's the link to the facebook page for Acts of Daily Kindness and this story. <a href="http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=10150137686085061">http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=10150137686085061</a><br />
<a href="http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=10150137686085061"></a> There are a couple of videos about Elena's story. Elena had a to do list of things she wanted to do in her life and one of the things she did was to take art lessons. Her parents kept a journal to keep family up to date on what was going on. That journal ended up getting ready by hundreds maybe thousands of people and was published "The Notes Left Behind ... or maybe just Notes Left Behind. Elena left hundred of notes for her family and relatives that she secretly hide before she died. Elena has inspired me again. Jesse isn't here to share his story but I am and I want his life to make a positive difference ... even more than it already has. I have wanted to write a book ... a book that will serve many purposes. Mostly it is giving me hope and a purpose as I continue to pursue my life. It can be hard to want to stick around when you feel like such a big part of you is already gone. Finding purpose in life ... our purpose and our mission is important ... especially if it is a challenge to want to be here.The Empty Bedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00633291902106528542noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4019260554402383352.post-42962860250991977392010-12-12T03:42:00.000-08:002010-12-12T03:48:05.234-08:00Celebrating Jesse's Life<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">December 17th will be Jesse's "Golden" Birthday -- or the day he would have turned 17 on the 17th. For me it was when I turned 29 on the 29th :). To celebrate Jesse's life and remember him on his birthday this year -- our first year without him on his birthday, we are going to see the movie Tron (3D) the 4pm show at the Provo Town Center Mall. We will then meet at BYU in the Wilkinson Center to have his favorite cake - All American Chocolate Cake from Costco with milk and play one of his favorite games, 1000 blank white cards. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I am inviting people to bring food for the food coalition and the Woman's Shelter. We will have some of Jesse's art work there and I'm going to bring a notebook with sheet protectors and paper so we can write our favorite memories of Jesse. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I am looking forward to seeing everyone and having a good time together as we celebrate Jesse's life. I know he wants us to have fun and to have a good time together remembering him. I also know he is pleased that we are helping those in need. Thank you for celebrating Jesse and his life with us. </span>The Empty Bedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00633291902106528542noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4019260554402383352.post-13867081353169170102010-12-06T02:16:00.000-08:002010-12-06T02:24:58.464-08:00Guide Me to Eternity<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I had the wonderful opportunity to hear Christine Tuttle Monsen, a few years ago in a church Relief Society meeting. Christine lost her husband of eight years, John, in a boating accident. It was a powerful and wonderful meeting. My dear friend Sharlen who has gone through the pain of losing her son Coltan, her only son, recommended Christine's book -- Guide Me to Eternity. I got it and today I read over half of it. It has been helpful and healing to read. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Sharlen (who I found in a miraculous manner -- in fact we have come to recognize our son's hands in helping bring us together) has been so helpful to me as I have been going through my own grieving process. I have started a notebook where I am saving my email conversations with Sharlen. When I figure out how to have a guest blogger Sharlen can add posts personally. I have already added a post from Shar :) I will be adding more from Sharlen. As I began saying, it has been so healing to be able to share my feelings and writing with a friend, who can understand in ways that many cannot, what it is I (we) am (are) going through. It is the same kind of healing experience as I read Chris's (Christine Monson) experiences and feelings. </span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">She says and I quote Christine's book -- Chapter 8 pg 119 -- "I felt comfortable telling him ( Bramwell, a close friend) things that I would not have told my parents, or John's (her husband who had died) parents or anyone in the family -- things that might have caused them pain or worry. Families are important in this life, God ordained them. But I believe that God ordained friendship, too. Friends provide a special kind of comfort and freedom that families can't.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"> I told Bramwell (a close family friend) exactly how I felt, entrusting to him my tears and pain. I needed a witness to the worst part of my torment, someone who could say 'Yes, I understand those feelings and they are appropriate. Don't worry Chris.' Though Bramwell didn't say those words, his willingness to listen had the same effect."</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">pg 103 (also Chapter 8) -- "The next morning I awoke feeling lonesome for John. It was just as Carly Simon described in her song. 'The wee small hours of the morning' would be the time<i> </i>I'd miss him most of all. But it was an emotion I let myself indulge in -- today was his funeral and burial. Besides, I knew these feelings would be with me for awhile. I was learning to relax and let them happen. I was even coming to trust them, knowing by experience now that they would not destroy me. Fearing them or fighting them only heightened my anxiety. By accepting them and giving in, the worst often passed sooner, and I felt better afterwards. A good cry does wonders when you need one."</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Wise words. My conversations with Sharlen have blessed me immeasurably, I count Shar as a special blessing in my life. Our Heavenly Father is so aware of us and our needs, he allows us to bless others and be blessed by others in our friendships. I have been so richly blessed by amazing family and friends in my life. I have been blessed with family that are also friends, family that has sustained similar loss and can share with empathy, or are simply blessed with great compassion. Thank you all who have blessed our lives in such great ways. I love and appreciate you.</span>The Empty Bedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00633291902106528542noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4019260554402383352.post-21636992445621476492010-11-22T02:00:00.000-08:002010-12-06T02:24:01.051-08:00Gum Wrappers<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Today at church as I was sitting in the chapel waiting for the meeting to begin Tyler Poulson came up and handed me Jesse's scriptures while telling me that he'd found them at Jordon Robles where he is living right now. I experienced a rush of mixed emotions, surprise, happiness, and then I burst into tears as I hugged Jesse's scriptures to me, the pain of missing him flooding me suddenly. Those around me comforted me, Sherri Lambourne sitting in front of me, Gwen Kaiser on my left gave me a tissue and told Tyler I needed a hug, Taeino, Gwen's daughter and Jesse's friend, slid over and held my hand, mine were not the only tears. I'd been talking to Gwen about our Thanksgiving plans and how it was difficult this year. </span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I looked through Jesse's scriptures, noticing every little thing, his name inscribed on each book <b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Harold Jesse Allen,</span></b> a lesson on the Plan of Salvation, folded and between the two books, added pages inserted in special places, a piece of card stock with the simple phrase written by his own young hand -- I must never forget that I am a son on God. I looked over his underlining while noticing all the places my thoughts took me, the memories associated with Jesse and his scriptures, his hands -- little when he first received them at the age of 8 when he was baptized , and then large, strong hands as he was growing to manhood. There marking D&C 86 was a cobalt blue metallic gum wrapper. I thought of the many times I'd passed out gum (after the sacrament) to my family, my boys, -- those sitting there in church with me. They knew who to ask :) I remembered Jesse's head resting in my lap, stroking his back and hair during the meeting. How much I missed that. How much I missed having him sitting there with us in church. Maybe that is part of the reason that Sundays and church can be so hard now. When Dennis came and sat down by me I showed him Jesse's scriptures and we both cried as we looked carefully through everything. </span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">We looked at the papers he had in the pockets of his scripture case, his temple recommend, a ticket to the Oquirrh Mountain Temple Dedication. 3 little pieces of papers with quotes -</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"> <u style="font-weight: bold;">The True measure</u></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><u style="font-weight: bold;"></u> "You can describe a man in inches, pounds, complexion, or physique. But you measure a man by character, compassion, integrity, tenderness and principle. Simply stated, the measures of a man are embedded in his heart and soul, not in his physical attributes." (Bishop Richard C. Edgley, Behold the Man, New Era, May 2000, 4)</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">"Essential to your success and happiness is the advice 'Choose your friends with caution'. We tend to become like those whom we admire, and they are usually our friends. We should associate with those who, like us, are planning not for temporary convenience, shallow goals, or narrow ambition,-- but rather with those who value the things that matter most, even eternal objectives. Maintain an eternal perspective!" ( Thomas S. Monson, "'Be Thou an Example," Ensign, May 2005, 112) My Patriarchal Blessing tells me to keep and Eternal Perspective and it is more vital now than ever before in my life.</span><br />
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</span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">President Ezra Taft Benson</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">"Give me a young man who has kept himself morally clean and has faithfully attended his Church meetings. Give me a young man who has magnified his priesthood and has earned his Duty to God Award. ... Give me a young man who is a seminary graduate and has a burning testimony of the Book of Mormon. Give me such a man, and I will give you a young man who can perform miracles for the Lord in the mission field and throughout his life."</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I read through all the scriptures he had underlined and marked through out the 8 years he carried and used those scriptures. I loved doing that.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">So many of the verses in his scriptures that he marked I love and want to share -- here are a few. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">In his Triple combination the book mark was between 2 Nephi 4 and 5 -- he had marked in yellow (the only scriptures he had marked in yellow) vs 34 and 35 -- "O Lord, I have trusted in thee and I will trust i thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm." vs 35 "Yea, I know that God will give liberally to him that asketh. Yea, my God will give me, if I ask not amiss; therefore I will lift up my voice into thee; yea, I will cry unto three, my God, the rick of my righteousness. Behold, my voice shall forever ascent up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God. Amen.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Other scriptures he had marked are --</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">2 Nephi 2:25, 27 "Adam fell that men might be; and <b><u>men are, that they might have joy</u></b>." vs 27 "Wherefore, men are free according to the flesh; and all things are given them which are expedient unto man. And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself." (emphasis added by me :))</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Mosiah 2:17 "And behold, I tell you these things that ye may learn wisdom, that ye may learn, that when ye are in the service of your fellow beings, ye are only in the service of your God." That is the verse we put on the book marks we made with his picture and passed out. He wrote in the margin -- Serving other serves God </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">2 Nephi 32:3 "Angels speak by the power of the Holy Ghost; wherefore, they speak the words of Christ. Wherefore I say unto you, feast upon the words of Christ; for behold, the words of Christ will tell you all things what ye should do." (He didn't underline the next vs but I love it -- vs 4 "Wherefore, now after I have spoken these words, if ye cannot understand them it will be because ye ask not, neither do ye knock; wherefore, ye are not brought into the light, but must perish in the dark.")</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">2 Nephi 32:8,9 "And now, my beloved brethren, I perceive that ye ponder still in your hearts; and it grieveth me that I must speak concerning this thing. for if ye would hearken unto the Spirit which teacheth a man to pray ye would know that ye must pray; for the evil spirit teacheth not a man to pray, but teacheth him that he must not pray." vs 9 "But behold, I say unto you that ye must pray always, and not faint; that ye must not perform any thing unto the Lord save in the first place ye shall pray unto the Father in the name of Christ, that he will consecrate thy performance unto thee, that thy performance may be for the welfare of they soul."</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">2 Nephi 25:26 "And we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins."</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I came home from church and opened a new package of gum, not really paying attention to what flavor I was opening. It just happened to be Cobalt -- the same flavor of the wrapper that I found in Jesse's scriptures -- I took the wrapper from the piece I got for myself and flattened it out just like the one in his scriptures and I put it in my scriptures marking the same spot I found it in his - D&C 86. I know it's a small, silly and sentimental thing to do but it's a little reminder of the many Sundays together in church with Jesse and my family. I thought of the little things we do, sometimes very significant in their meaning -- such as partaking of the sacrament -- things that remind us of very important things -- of covenants, sacrifice, the atonement, resurrection, love, and family. I took a piece of Cobalt gum to Dennis my husband, and he too placed his wrapper in his scriptures marking D&C 86.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Gum wrappers -- memories and symbols of family and love.</span>The Empty Bedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00633291902106528542noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4019260554402383352.post-10299573056212678602010-11-17T14:18:00.000-08:002010-11-17T14:18:27.683-08:00Poem from Sharlen Potter --<div style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-family: 'Franklin Gothic Medium';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">Loneliness, separation, emptiness...so deep within... a black hole that sucks me in.<br />
I use all within my reach...to breach that bottomless cavern in my soul.<br />
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People, food, shopping, hobbies...all distractions designed to make me "forget".<br />
Anything...even temporary, feels like relief...and then once again, I am filled with regret.<br />
<br />
Oh, the joy of our circle, like those in the garden of Eden...suddenly we were cast out!<br />
The purposes can be reasoned, in a place outside my heart...but what I FEEL brings doubt. </span></span><span style="font-family: 'Franklin Gothic Medium';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;"><br />
Then holidays, his heaven day, a birthday, or family celebration comes,<br />
and the ache grows 'til the scab is ripped away...and the bleeding begins again.<br />
<br />
I think of our future without him here, see his nephews...both have his name.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;"><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Franklin Gothic Medium';">I search for a glimpse; a tiny piece of proof he's there...and my dreams become the same.<br />
<br />
Goodbyes are agony, homecomings are mountains to scale, word of missionaries<br />
bring happiness and sadness combined. Music, sports, laughter...are pain and joy intertwined.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Franklin Gothic Medium';"></span><span style="font-family: 'Franklin Gothic Medium';"><br />
His sisters look at me with gut-wrenching tears. Each new broken heart and adjacent loss, threatens<br />
to push us over the edge...past the point of no return...if we give in to fears. <br />
<br />
Where do we go? Where do we lay this down? Is there anywhere to rest? Every hour a memory, a song, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Franklin Gothic Medium';">a flash of conversation runs through the mind. He is everywhere. All roads lead to him...literally...coming and going is a test.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Franklin Gothic Medium';"><br />
My mind! Compromised forever...how could it possibly not be? I converse with him internally, always<br />
trying to shut out the loud, demanding world that keeps me from hearing what I need.<br />
<br />
Gone, but never gone...not for a moment. The weight presses down and hangs a shadow over all our<br />
days and hope for joy coming to stay.<br />
<br />
I writhe, I cry, and I let go....sinking. Then, I feel something...a whisper. Is it him? Is it the Father's love? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Franklin Gothic Medium';">Or an echo of </span><span style="font-family: 'Franklin Gothic Medium';">days yet to come? <br />
<br />
I look up, and turn my face toward The Son, and toward my son. I pull myself in the directon he is...and I<br />
choose faith, again. <br />
<br />
I resolve to reach through the window he created to Him...and accept the gift that allows me to believe.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Franklin Gothic Medium';">I feel his love for me, his sisters, his father and friends ...our circle he left early to preserve...for eternity.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Franklin Gothic Medium';"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Franklin Gothic Medium';">His love for us, his covenants to keep, those eternal connections are all I seek. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Franklin Gothic Medium';">I refuse to give up and give in, and make his sacrifice for us, be all for nothing.<br />
<br />
I climb up, from off my knees with a power not my own, and face this day, while </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Franklin Gothic Medium';">breathing</span><span style="font-family: 'Franklin Gothic Medium';"> the prayer that never leaves...for strength I'll need when I will have to choose...AGAIN. </span></span></div><div style="font-family: arial; font-size: small;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">Thank you Sharlen -- </span></div><div style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">What an amazing heartfelt poem. Thank you so much for sharing it with us. </span></div><div style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">Love,</span></div><div style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">Elizabeth</span></div>The Empty Bedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00633291902106528542noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4019260554402383352.post-59973833920139977932010-11-17T09:06:00.000-08:002010-11-17T09:06:38.071-08:00Grief SOS --<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">My husband sent me a link <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><a href="http://www.griefsos.com/" target="_blank"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: yellow;">http://www.griefsos.com/</span></a></span> that has some very helpful information about brain chemistry and grief. There are things that can be done to help with the grief process - to help brain chemistry in relation to the grief process. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">The site is done by K Paul Stoller MD whose son Galen died suddenly and unexpectedly when he was hit by a train. Dr Stoller had worked with brain injured children and children with other brain difficulties like cerebral palsy and autism. Here are a couple of paragraphs from his site to give you an idea of what he has to share. I think you will find it helpful. </span><br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">I am a board certified pediatrician and board certified in hyperbaric medicine. I have been helping brain injured children, such as those with cerebral palsy, autism, traumatic brain injury, and fetal alcohol syndrome, regain significant brain function. In my years of providing assistance, using hyperbaric oxygen, I have observed how the chemistry of the brain affects mood, behavior, and coping skills.</div><div style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">It took me a full month to realize that I had knowledge of something that could be used to, and that I know does, provide assistance to the grieving brain. I have been using the hormone oxytocin, via nasal spray, to help children with brain injury - especially autistic children - cope and feel comfortable during the process of healing. I tried it on myself just as soon as I had this epiphany and found that it provided a sense of emotional equanimity. It allowed my mind and body a level of relief that permitted my emotional and mental processes to flow without the constant obsessive chatter, anxiety, and even panic that accompanies intense acute grieving. The panic and vicious circle of distressful thoughts no longer could stick and fester in my conscious mind (unless I wanted them to be there) – I was given a new sense of emotional freedom.</div><div style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"><br />
</div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">Dr. Stoller also talks about how helpful flower essences were to his healing and helping him through the grief process. He said they probably saved his life. Two more paragraphs from his site -- </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<br />
<div style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">In the weeks before I discovered the effects of oxytocin on grief, I was fortunate to have been provided with several flower essences that probably saved my life:</div><div style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">Contact <a href="http://www.floralive.com/" style="text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">www.FlorAlive.com</a> (931- 593-2300) and ask for a combination of three flowers to be sent to you as soon as possible: Healing Heart, Heart Mend, and Flor del Oso. The FlorAlive website has full instructions on how to take these subtle but powerful remedies and I support the method used by FlorAlive;</div><div style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">I also found another flower, sold by the Flower Essence Society (<a href="http://www.flowersociety.org/" style="text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">www.flowersociety.org</a>), Love-Lies-Bleeding (Amaranthus), to be very helpful.</div><div style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"><br />
</div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">Blessings to all of us who are working our way through the grief process -- may we find healing in the many modalities that are out there, through the spirit and through each other. </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">Love,</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">Elizabeth</span></span>The Empty Bedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00633291902106528542noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4019260554402383352.post-47243799210971785762010-11-13T02:41:00.000-08:002010-12-06T02:21:53.413-08:00Funerals<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Yesterday I went to the funeral of Rose Bigney the mother of a dear friend, and a dear friend to me. Having gone through the experience of planning a "farewell" (funeral, we found out that people got) for my son I learned a lot about the whole process.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I have come to believe even stronger now, that a funeral is most often the final departing message of the one who is leaving. I spoke as Jesse's farewell/funeral and I didn't have anything written out, no notes, just a quote from Marianne Williamson -- Our Greatest Fear that was printed on the program. Nelson Mandella is often credited for Marianne's quote. I felt impressed that Marianne's quote was supposed to be part of my remarks. The message I gave flowed effortless, I had the general idea of what I wanted to say, the message that I felt Jesse wanted shared. That was what felt important to me. We all spoke at Jesse's funeral, our whole family, all his siblings, and parents. We have it recorded and maybe one of these days I'll transcribe my remarks here. I will post Marianne Williamson's quote here now.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;"></div><br />
<center><h3><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Our Greatest Fear —Marianne Williamson</span></h3><h4><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">it is our light not our darkness that most frightens us</span></h4></center><br />
<br />
<center><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.<br />
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.<br />
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.<br />
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,<br />
talented and fabulous?<br />
<br />
Actually, who are you not to be?<br />
You are a child of God.<br />
Your playing small does not serve the world.<br />
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other<br />
people won't feel insecure around you.<br />
<br />
We were born to make manifest the glory of<br />
God that is within us.<br />
<br />
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.<br />
And as we let our own light shine,<br />
we unconsciously give other people<br />
permission to do the same.<br />
<br />
As we are liberated from our own fear,<br />
Our presence automatically liberates others.<br />
<br />
—Marianne Williamson<br />
</span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div></center><br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Often said to have been quoted in a speech by Nelson Mandela. The source is <i>Return to Love</i> by Marianne Williamson, Harper Collins, 1992. —Peter McLaughlin]</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">That was how Jesse lived his life -- without fear -- he embodied the super hero. He carried that air of invincibility and loved to be himself. He enjoyed his life and who he was and that invited those around him to do the same. He lived without the fear of what his heart disease would or could do. I don't know how much or how often he had what he called "episodes". I only found out about his pain after he died. He didn't let it stop him from carrying his friends and his sister on his back in play and in enjoying the manliness and strength of his physical body. I wrote that Jesse didn't let his heart disease stop him from living until it stopped his life.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Back to the nuts and bolts of grieving. I cried yesterday, cried at the pain of losing another friend to graduation from Earth School as some call it. I cried to see my dear friends also left behind feeling the pain of being left behind. I cried when I found out that yet another loved one has graduated - just yesterday. Doug Banks. He underwent 9 hours of heart surgery the day before. There are times when life feels so unstable that I lose my bearing a bit --- or a lot. It gets hard to function - to think of what to wear or eat. The very basics seem too hard to do at times. There are times the pain is so acute it seems too hard to breathe anymore. It have given new meaning to the scriptures that talk about God granting our every breath. Yes I have a new appreciation for what that means. That reminds me of one of the more recent poems I wrote called "Can't Breathe".</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Can't Breathe</span></b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Catching a glimpse of you -- </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">your smile,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Now, only a photo</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Remembering the feelings</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">of having you here - near</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Just as quickly,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">the realization</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">It will never be again --</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">you here.</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">It hit's hard,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">taking my breath away,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I can't breathe </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">NO!</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">A part of me </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">will never</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">be used to you</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">not being here.</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I fight for breath</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">gasping for air</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">seized by pain</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">that grips my heart and lungs.</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I'm sorry I'm so sad ~</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I don't know how</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">to not miss you,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">to not hurt.</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">So ~ I cry</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I fight for breath</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">as waves of pain and grief</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">wash over, around and through me ~</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Until I can breathe</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Once again </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">-- Elizabeth M Allen</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">A friend of mine who lost her son 3 1/2 years ago now talked to me yesterday at Rose's funeral. I was present at the passing of her son. I happened to be a First Responder at the time and I bagged him in his room and then all the way to the hospital in the ambulance. It was one of the hardest things I've ever experienced. I prayed for him ... prayed that his life be spared ..... God's ways are not our ways and we often don't know his greater plan. I comfort myself ... or try to, at times ... with that thought. When answers come that don't fit in our plan it can hurt and feel like we've been abandoned or that we are unfavored or even unloved. I hold on with all my faith that all those beliefs are false. </span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Back to my friend Nancy at the funeral. She has been so thoughtful and kind like so many have. She has come over to talk to me. She told me that 6 months is the low ... a warning of sorts ... letting me know that when things don't get easier don't feel like it's just me ... it's actually the norm. She said when it happened to her after one of her babies was still born she got out the papers she'd been given on grief and read them to find out that sure enough, it is normal to continue downhill after the loss of a child or significant other.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">So here I am 4 months in and I can relate, to those times when it feels like time is the enemy taking me further away from my boy ... further away from the memories, further away from when I was with him. We cried together Nancy and I. She shared some of the miracles that have happened since the death of her boy, Jared. His appearance to one of his dear friends in an amazing dream. Jesse too has visited many by way of dreams. Those who seem so far from us yet are so near have their ways ... their ways of letting us know they are near. I think it would be nice to write a book just on that one topic. Stories of how those who have graduated communicate to those of us who are still here.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<center></center></div>The Empty Bedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00633291902106528542noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4019260554402383352.post-33893170190701437192010-11-07T15:09:00.000-08:002010-11-07T15:09:01.640-08:004 months ago --It was 4 months ago today -- that Jesse died -- I think of him all the time and some days are just a little harder.<br />
I shared the videos that Vania, Jace and Glenna made of Jesse, I love to share in that way. I'll put links to them here ... when I figure that out.<br />
<br />
I'm here in California with the Salem Hills HS debate team. Jesse was on the debate team last year. I think part of the reason I'm here is because Jesse was on the debate team. I find that when those monthly anniversary's come around it is hard not to think about what was happening -- 4 months ago. Why do we do that to ourselves? Is it doing our best to stay connected somehow? I love watching the videos of Jesse. In fact Collette that I shared the videos with said that her husband said that our memories are roses in December. Our memories are what we still have with us, of our loved one who is no longer here in the flesh. We share and we cry together. It is just part of the whole grieving process. It is part of life -- a part of life we do our best to avoid.The Empty Bedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00633291902106528542noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4019260554402383352.post-8417150627791343792010-11-03T02:39:00.000-07:002010-11-03T02:39:45.436-07:00Ifs ...What if ...<br />
If only ....<br />
<br />
All the ifs in life.<br />
What if I'd known you were having trouble?<br />
<br />
What if I'd worked on you? <br />
Taken better care of you?<br />
<br />
If only I had ...<br />
worked on you ..<br />
taken better care of you.<br />
<br />
Even though I know<br />
You'd be here if it was meant to be ...<br />
<br />
I regret that I never worked on you. <br />
That you never told me of your pain.<br />
<br />
Did you know? Did your fear or suspect?<br />
Is that why you lived with such abandon and with out fear?<br />
<br />
What if I'd known about your pain?<br />
What if I'd said - "No you can't go ... "<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">If I'd been there ... </div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">with you ... </div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">could I have kept you here?</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">I would have held you in my arms -- </div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">My baby, my son, my boy ... </div><div><br />
</div><br />
Would you still be here? Maybe?<br />
<br />
Thanks for whispering to me --<br />
that it needed to be the way it is,<br />
for letting it be a little easier.<br />
<br />
Thanks for helping to ease the pain of regret,<br />
for answering the ifs.<br />
<br />
Is there an easier way?<br />
To say good bye?<br />
To let go?<br />
<br />
<br />
It's OK ~<br />
<br />
Go ~<br />
<br />
Do ~<br />
<br />
Be ~<br />
<br />
Where He would have you Go,<br />
to Do what He would have you Do,<br />
to Be what He would have you Be ...<br />
<br />
Elizabeth Allen - Aug 11, 2010The Empty Bedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00633291902106528542noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4019260554402383352.post-45994334873006199392010-11-03T02:01:00.000-07:002010-11-03T02:16:27.819-07:00Some historyJesse was/is the youngest of 8. He had 3 older brothers and 4 older sisters. He was a delight, always happy and making people laugh. So many of his teachers told me that same thing. He had a gift for bring joy and happiness to those around him. He loved life and made it fun. He loved who he was. He was able to carry off the embodiment of a super hero. He even made himself a superhero costume .... that he gleefully wore and ran around in at school. He had a superhero name he made up, Mastoonpa! I'll add his post from facebook about how he came up with that name. <br />
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<div class="clearfix uiHeaderTop" style="display: block; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; zoom: 1;"><div><h2 class="uiHeaderTitle" style="font-size: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: yellow;">the genesis of MASTOONPA!</span></h2></div></div><div class="clearfix" style="display: block; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; zoom: 1;"><div class="mbs mbs uiHeaderSubTitle lfloat fsm fwn fcg" style="float: left; font-size: 11px; margin-bottom: 5px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: yellow;">by </span><a href="http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1618909190" style="cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: yellow;">Jesse Allen</span></b></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: yellow;"> on Tuesday, October 6, 2009 at 12:39am</span></div><div class="mbs mbs uiHeaderSubTitle lfloat fsm fwn fcg" style="float: left; font-size: 11px; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 5px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: yellow;"><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 16px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: yellow;">so in mastoonpas brain he was trying to think of a name worthy to behold this EPIC fellow and first mastadon came to mind but mastoonpa recognized that was a bands name so no, then he though mufasa like lion king but mastoonpa could not steal someones name it har to be origonal so with his wizardly cunning he tricked mastadon into running that way and mufassah into running that way and then THEY COLLIDED! *GA_BOOSHFBAVSBKGUD* and as the dust began to settle in the midst of it arose a hero MASTOONPA!!!</span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 16px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: yellow;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-size: 11px; line-height: normal;"></span></span></span><br />
<ul class="commentList" style="list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><li class="uiUfiComment comment_5598189 ufiItem ufiItem" style="background-color: #edeff4; border-bottom-color: rgb(229, 234, 241); border-bottom-style: solid; border-bottom-width: 1px; margin-top: 2px; padding-bottom: 4px; padding-left: 5px; padding-right: 5px; padding-top: 5px;"><div class="UIImageBlock clearfix uiUfiActorBlock" style="display: block; zoom: 1;"><div class="commentContent UIImageBlock_Content UIImageBlock_SMALL_Content" style="display: table-cell; padding-top: 1px; vertical-align: top; width: 10000px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-size: 11px; line-height: normal;"></span></span></span><br />
<ul class="commentList" style="list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><li class="uiUfiComment comment_5598189 ufiItem ufiItem" style="background-color: #edeff4; border-bottom-color: rgb(229, 234, 241); border-bottom-style: solid; border-bottom-width: 1px; margin-top: 2px; padding-bottom: 4px; padding-left: 5px; padding-right: 5px; padding-top: 5px;"><div class="UIImageBlock clearfix uiUfiActorBlock" style="display: block; zoom: 1;"><div class="commentContent UIImageBlock_Content UIImageBlock_SMALL_Content" style="display: table-cell; padding-top: 1px; vertical-align: top; width: 10000px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><a class="actorName" data-hovercard="/ajax/hovercard/user.php?id=1618909190" href="http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1618909190" style="color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none;">Jesse Allen</a> <span data-jsid="text"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: purple;">mastoonpa = ME!!!</span></span><div class="uiTextSubtitle commentActions" style="color: grey; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px; padding-top: 2px;"><abbr data-date="Mon, 05 Oct 2009 23:48:23 -0700" style="border-bottom-color: initial; border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: initial;" title="Tuesday, October 6, 2009 at 12:48am">October 6, 2009 at 12:48am</abbr> · <span class="uiTextSubtitle comment_like_5598189" style="color: grey; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px;"><button class="stat_elem as_link cmnt_like_link" name="like_comment_id[5598189]" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: initial; background-image: none; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; border-bottom-style: none; border-color: initial; border-left-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-top-style: none; border-width: initial; color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; overflow-x: visible; overflow-y: visible; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; text-align: left; width: auto;" title="Like this comment" type="submit" value="5598189"><span class="default_message" style="display: inline;">Like</span></button></span></div></span></div></div></li>
<li class="uiUfiComment comment_5598212 ufiItem ufiItem" style="background-color: #edeff4; border-bottom-color: rgb(229, 234, 241); border-bottom-style: solid; border-bottom-width: 1px; margin-top: 2px; padding-bottom: 4px; padding-left: 5px; padding-right: 5px; padding-top: 5px;"><div class="UIImageBlock clearfix uiUfiActorBlock" style="display: block; zoom: 1;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><a class="actorPic UIImageBlock_Image UIImageBlock_SMALL_Image" href="http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1618909190" style="color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; float: left; margin-right: 8px; text-decoration: none;" tabindex="-1"><img alt="" class="uiProfilePhoto uiProfilePhotoMedium img" src="http://profile.ak.fbcdn.net/hprofile-ak-snc4/hs167.ash2/41499_1618909190_2251_q.jpg" style="border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; display: block; height: 32px; width: 32px;" /></a><div class="commentContent UIImageBlock_Content UIImageBlock_SMALL_Content" style="display: table-cell; padding-top: 1px; vertical-align: top; width: 10000px;"><a class="actorName" data-hovercard="/ajax/hovercard/user.php?id=1618909190" href="http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1618909190" style="color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none;">Jesse Allen</a> <span data-jsid="text"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: purple;">mastoonpa = WIZARD! and he is a class of wizard to rival the greats! such as merlin and dumbldore!</span></span><div class="uiTextSubtitle commentActions" style="font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px; padding-top: 2px;"><abbr data-date="Mon, 05 Oct 2009 23:49:25 -0700" style="border-bottom-color: initial; border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: initial;" title="Tuesday, October 6, 2009 at 12:49am"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: purple;">October 6, 2009 at 12:49am</span></abbr><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: purple;"> · <span class="uiTextSubtitle comment_like_5598212" style="font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px;"><button class="stat_elem as_link cmnt_like_link" name="like_comment_id[5598212]" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: initial; background-image: none; background-origin: initial; border-bottom-style: none; border-color: initial; border-left-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-top-style: none; border-width: initial; cursor: pointer; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; overflow-x: visible; overflow-y: visible; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; text-align: left; width: auto;" title="Like this comment" type="submit" value="5598212"><span class="default_message" style="display: inline;">Like</span></button></span></span></div></div></span></div></li>
<li class="uiUfiComment comment_5623864 ufiItem ufiItem" style="background-color: #edeff4; border-bottom-color: rgb(229, 234, 241); border-bottom-style: solid; border-bottom-width: 1px; margin-top: 2px; padding-bottom: 4px; padding-left: 5px; padding-right: 5px; padding-top: 5px;"><div class="UIImageBlock clearfix uiUfiActorBlock" style="display: block; zoom: 1;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><a class="actorPic UIImageBlock_Image UIImageBlock_SMALL_Image" href="http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1354160359" style="color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; float: left; margin-right: 8px; text-decoration: none;" tabindex="-1"><img alt="" class="uiProfilePhoto uiProfilePhotoMedium img" src="http://profile.ak.fbcdn.net/hprofile-ak-snc4/hs227.ash2/49230_1354160359_831_q.jpg" style="border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; display: block; height: 32px; width: 32px;" /></a><div class="commentContent UIImageBlock_Content UIImageBlock_SMALL_Content" style="display: table-cell; padding-top: 1px; vertical-align: top; width: 10000px;"><a class="actorName" data-hovercard="/ajax/hovercard/user.php?id=1354160359" href="http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1354160359" style="color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none;">Aaron Jolly</a> <span data-jsid="text"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: purple;">Okay...this is kinda random...</span></span><div class="uiTextSubtitle commentActions" style="font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px; padding-top: 2px;"><abbr data-date="Tue, 06 Oct 2009 14:45:25 -0700" style="border-bottom-color: initial; border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: initial;" title="Tuesday, October 6, 2009 at 3:45pm"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: purple;">October 6, 2009 at 3:45pm</span></abbr><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: purple;"> · <span class="uiTextSubtitle comment_like_5623864" style="font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px;"><button class="stat_elem as_link cmnt_like_link" name="like_comment_id[5623864]" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: initial; background-image: none; background-origin: initial; border-bottom-style: none; border-color: initial; border-left-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-top-style: none; border-width: initial; cursor: pointer; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; overflow-x: visible; overflow-y: visible; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; text-align: left; width: auto;" title="Like this comment" type="submit" value="5623864"><span class="default_message" style="display: inline;">Like</span></button></span></span></div></div></span></div></li>
<li class="uiUfiComment comment_5630126 ufiItem ufiItem" style="background-color: #edeff4; border-bottom-color: rgb(229, 234, 241); border-bottom-style: solid; border-bottom-width: 1px; margin-top: 2px; padding-bottom: 4px; padding-left: 5px; padding-right: 5px; padding-top: 5px;"><div class="UIImageBlock clearfix uiUfiActorBlock" style="display: block; zoom: 1;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><a class="actorPic UIImageBlock_Image UIImageBlock_SMALL_Image" href="http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1618909190" style="color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; float: left; margin-right: 8px; text-decoration: none;" tabindex="-1"><img alt="" class="uiProfilePhoto uiProfilePhotoMedium img" src="http://profile.ak.fbcdn.net/hprofile-ak-snc4/hs167.ash2/41499_1618909190_2251_q.jpg" style="border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; display: block; height: 32px; width: 32px;" /></a><div class="commentContent UIImageBlock_Content UIImageBlock_SMALL_Content" style="display: table-cell; padding-top: 1px; vertical-align: top; width: 10000px;"><a class="actorName" data-hovercard="/ajax/hovercard/user.php?id=1618909190" href="http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1618909190" style="color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none;">Jesse Allen</a> <span data-jsid="text"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: purple;">hahaha yup it is</span></span><div class="uiTextSubtitle commentActions" style="font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px; padding-top: 2px;"><abbr data-date="Tue, 06 Oct 2009 18:26:42 -0700" style="border-bottom-color: initial; border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: initial;" title="Tuesday, October 6, 2009 at 7:26pm"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: purple;">October 6, 2009 at 7:26pm</span></abbr><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: purple;"> · <span class="uiTextSubtitle comment_like_5630126" style="font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px;"><button class="stat_elem as_link cmnt_like_link" name="like_comment_id[5630126]" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: initial; background-image: none; background-origin: initial; border-bottom-style: none; border-color: initial; border-left-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-top-style: none; border-width: initial; cursor: pointer; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; overflow-x: visible; overflow-y: visible; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; text-align: left; width: auto;" title="Like this comment" type="submit" value="5630126"><span class="default_message" style="display: inline;">Like</span></button></span></span></div></div></span></div></li>
<li class="uiUfiComment comment_5663713 ufiItem ufiItem" style="background-color: #edeff4; border-bottom-color: rgb(229, 234, 241); border-bottom-style: solid; border-bottom-width: 1px; margin-top: 2px; padding-bottom: 4px; padding-left: 5px; padding-right: 5px; padding-top: 5px;"><div class="UIImageBlock clearfix uiUfiActorBlock" style="display: block; zoom: 1;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><a class="actorPic UIImageBlock_Image UIImageBlock_SMALL_Image" href="http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1385990045" style="color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; float: left; margin-right: 8px; text-decoration: none;" tabindex="-1"><img alt="" class="uiProfilePhoto uiProfilePhotoMedium img" src="http://profile.ak.fbcdn.net/hprofile-ak-snc4/hs338.snc4/41773_1385990045_8382_q.jpg" style="border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; display: block; height: 32px; width: 32px;" /></a><div class="commentContent UIImageBlock_Content UIImageBlock_SMALL_Content" style="display: table-cell; padding-top: 1px; vertical-align: top; width: 10000px;"><a class="actorName" data-hovercard="/ajax/hovercard/user.php?id=1385990045" href="http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1385990045" style="color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none;">Shannon Glines</a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: purple;"> <span data-jsid="text">Next thing you know he'll be changing in a telephone booth.</span></span><div class="uiTextSubtitle commentActions" style="font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px; padding-top: 2px;"><abbr data-date="Wed, 07 Oct 2009 14:37:20 -0700" style="border-bottom-color: initial; border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: initial;" title="Wednesday, October 7, 2009 at 3:37pm"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: purple;">October 7, 2009 at 3:37pm</span></abbr><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: purple;"> · </span><span class="uiTextSubtitle comment_like_5663713" style="color: grey; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px;"><button class="stat_elem as_link cmnt_like_link" name="like_comment_id[5663713]" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: initial; background-image: none; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; border-bottom-style: none; border-color: initial; border-left-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-top-style: none; border-width: initial; color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; overflow-x: visible; overflow-y: visible; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; text-align: left; width: auto;" title="Like this comment" type="submit" value="5663713"><span class="default_message" style="display: inline;">Like</span></button></span></div></div></span></div></li>
<li class="uiUfiComment comment_5663806 ufiItem ufiItem" style="background-color: #edeff4; border-bottom-color: rgb(229, 234, 241); border-bottom-style: solid; border-bottom-width: 1px; margin-top: 2px; padding-bottom: 4px; padding-left: 5px; padding-right: 5px; padding-top: 5px;"><div class="UIImageBlock clearfix uiUfiActorBlock" style="display: block; zoom: 1;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><a class="actorPic UIImageBlock_Image UIImageBlock_SMALL_Image" href="http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1618909190" style="color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; float: left; margin-right: 8px; text-decoration: none;" tabindex="-1"><img alt="" class="uiProfilePhoto uiProfilePhotoMedium img" src="http://profile.ak.fbcdn.net/hprofile-ak-snc4/hs167.ash2/41499_1618909190_2251_q.jpg" style="border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; display: block; height: 32px; width: 32px;" /></a><div class="commentContent UIImageBlock_Content UIImageBlock_SMALL_Content" style="display: table-cell; padding-top: 1px; vertical-align: top; width: 10000px;"><a class="actorName" data-hovercard="/ajax/hovercard/user.php?id=1618909190" href="http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1618909190" style="color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none;">Jesse Allen</a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: purple;"> <span data-jsid="text">hahahaha the esteemed mastoonpa need not hide his identity from the world. hahaha if some misguided fool makes an attempt to get a pic of me... his brain will implode... the great mastoonpa need hide from no man, creature or entity... he decimates all BUAHAHAHAHAHA</span></span><div class="uiTextSubtitle commentActions" style="font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px; padding-top: 2px;"><abbr data-date="Wed, 07 Oct 2009 14:40:00 -0700" style="border-bottom-color: initial; border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: initial;" title="Wednesday, October 7, 2009 at 3:40pm"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: purple;">October 7, 2009 at 3:40pm</span></abbr><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: purple;"> ·</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: grey;"> </span><span class="uiTextSubtitle comment_like_5663806" style="color: grey; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px;"><button class="stat_elem as_link cmnt_like_link" name="like_comment_id[5663806]" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: initial; background-image: none; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; border-bottom-style: none; border-color: initial; border-left-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-top-style: none; border-width: initial; color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; overflow-x: visible; overflow-y: visible; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; text-align: left; width: auto;" title="Like this comment" type="submit" value="5663806"><span class="default_message" style="display: inline;">Like</span></button></span></div></div></span></div></li>
<li class="uiUfiComment comment_5665181 ufiItem ufiItem" style="background-color: #edeff4; border-bottom-color: rgb(229, 234, 241); border-bottom-style: solid; border-bottom-width: 1px; margin-top: 2px; padding-bottom: 4px; padding-left: 5px; padding-right: 5px; padding-top: 5px;"><div class="UIImageBlock clearfix uiUfiActorBlock" style="display: block; zoom: 1;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><a class="actorPic UIImageBlock_Image UIImageBlock_SMALL_Image" href="http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1385990045" style="color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; float: left; margin-right: 8px; text-decoration: none;" tabindex="-1"><img alt="" class="uiProfilePhoto uiProfilePhotoMedium img" src="http://profile.ak.fbcdn.net/hprofile-ak-snc4/hs338.snc4/41773_1385990045_8382_q.jpg" style="border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; display: block; height: 32px; width: 32px;" /></a><div class="commentContent UIImageBlock_Content UIImageBlock_SMALL_Content" style="display: table-cell; padding-top: 1px; vertical-align: top; width: 10000px;"><a class="actorName" data-hovercard="/ajax/hovercard/user.php?id=1385990045" href="http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1385990045" style="color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none;">Shannon Glines</a> <span data-jsid="text"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: purple;">Wow..Thats deep. I'm scare now...baha</span></span><div class="uiTextSubtitle commentActions" style="font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px; padding-top: 2px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: purple;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: purple;">·</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: purple;"> <span class="uiTextSubtitle comment_like_5665181" style="font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px;"><button class="stat_elem as_link cmnt_like_link" name="like_comment_id[5665181]" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: initial; background-image: none; background-origin: initial; border-bottom-style: none; border-color: initial; border-left-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-top-style: none; border-width: initial; cursor: pointer; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; overflow-x: visible; overflow-y: visible; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; text-align: left; width: auto;" title="Like this comment" type="submit" value="5665181"><span class="default_message" style="display: inline;">Like</span></button></span></span></div></div></span></div></li>
<li class="uiUfiComment comment_5665203 ufiItem ufiItem" style="background-color: #edeff4; border-bottom-color: rgb(229, 234, 241); border-bottom-style: solid; border-bottom-width: 1px; margin-top: 2px; padding-bottom: 4px; padding-left: 5px; padding-right: 5px; padding-top: 5px;"><div class="UIImageBlock clearfix uiUfiActorBlock" style="display: block; zoom: 1;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><a class="actorPic UIImageBlock_Image UIImageBlock_SMALL_Image" href="http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1385990045" style="color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; float: left; margin-right: 8px; text-decoration: none;" tabindex="-1"><img alt="" class="uiProfilePhoto uiProfilePhotoMedium img" src="http://profile.ak.fbcdn.net/hprofile-ak-snc4/hs338.snc4/41773_1385990045_8382_q.jpg" style="border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; display: block; height: 32px; width: 32px;" /></a><div class="commentContent UIImageBlock_Content UIImageBlock_SMALL_Content" style="display: table-cell; padding-top: 1px; vertical-align: top; width: 10000px;"><a class="actorName" data-hovercard="/ajax/hovercard/user.php?id=1385990045" href="http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1385990045" style="color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none;">Shannon Glines</a> <span data-jsid="text"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: purple;">BTW...Decimation is overrated :p</span></span><div class="uiTextSubtitle commentActions" style="font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px; padding-top: 2px;"><abbr data-date="Wed, 07 Oct 2009 15:27:11 -0700" style="border-bottom-color: initial; border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: initial;" title="Wednesday, October 7, 2009 at 4:27pm"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: purple;">October 7, 2009 at 4:27pm</span></abbr><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: purple;"> · <span class="uiTextSubtitle comment_like_5665203" style="font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px;"><button class="stat_elem as_link cmnt_like_link" name="like_comment_id[5665203]" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: initial; background-image: none; background-origin: initial; border-bottom-style: none; border-color: initial; border-left-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-top-style: none; border-width: initial; cursor: pointer; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; overflow-x: visible; overflow-y: visible; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; text-align: left; width: auto;" title="Like this comment" type="submit" value="5665203"><span class="default_message" style="display: inline;">Like</span></button></span></span></div></div></span></div></li>
<li class="uiUfiComment comment_5665248 ufiItem ufiItem" style="background-color: #edeff4; border-bottom-color: rgb(229, 234, 241); border-bottom-style: solid; border-bottom-width: 1px; margin-top: 2px; padding-bottom: 4px; padding-left: 5px; padding-right: 5px; padding-top: 5px;"><div class="UIImageBlock clearfix uiUfiActorBlock" style="display: block; zoom: 1;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><a class="actorPic UIImageBlock_Image UIImageBlock_SMALL_Image" href="http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1618909190" style="color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; float: left; margin-right: 8px; text-decoration: none;" tabindex="-1"><img alt="" class="uiProfilePhoto uiProfilePhotoMedium img" src="http://profile.ak.fbcdn.net/hprofile-ak-snc4/hs167.ash2/41499_1618909190_2251_q.jpg" style="border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; display: block; height: 32px; width: 32px;" /></a><div class="commentContent UIImageBlock_Content UIImageBlock_SMALL_Content" style="display: table-cell; padding-top: 1px; vertical-align: top; width: 10000px;"><a class="actorName" data-hovercard="/ajax/hovercard/user.php?id=1618909190" href="http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1618909190" style="color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none;">Jesse Allen</a> <span data-jsid="text"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: purple;">hahaha i never said i do it a lot... only those who oppose me, or try to take my picture</span></span><div class="uiTextSubtitle commentActions" style="font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px; padding-top: 2px;"><abbr data-date="Wed, 07 Oct 2009 15:28:34 -0700" style="border-bottom-color: initial; border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: initial;" title="Wednesday, October 7, 2009 at 4:28pm"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: purple;">October 7, 2009 at 4:28pm</span></abbr><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: purple;"> · </span><span class="uiTextSubtitle comment_like_5665248" style="color: grey; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px;"><button class="stat_elem as_link cmnt_like_link" name="like_comment_id[5665248]" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: initial; background-image: none; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; border-bottom-style: none; border-color: initial; border-left-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-top-style: none; border-width: initial; color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; overflow-x: visible; overflow-y: visible; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; text-align: left; width: auto;" title="Like this comment" type="submit" value="5665248"><span class="default_message" style="display: inline;">Like</span></button></span></div></div></span></div></li>
<li class="uiUfiComment comment_5672426 ufiItem ufiItem" style="background-color: #edeff4; border-bottom-color: rgb(229, 234, 241); border-bottom-style: solid; border-bottom-width: 1px; margin-top: 2px; padding-bottom: 4px; padding-left: 5px; padding-right: 5px; padding-top: 5px;"><div class="UIImageBlock clearfix uiUfiActorBlock" style="display: block; zoom: 1;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><a class="actorPic UIImageBlock_Image UIImageBlock_SMALL_Image" href="http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1354160359" style="color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; float: left; margin-right: 8px; text-decoration: none;" tabindex="-1"><img alt="" class="uiProfilePhoto uiProfilePhotoMedium img" src="http://profile.ak.fbcdn.net/hprofile-ak-snc4/hs227.ash2/49230_1354160359_831_q.jpg" style="border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; display: block; height: 32px; width: 32px;" /></a><div class="commentContent UIImageBlock_Content UIImageBlock_SMALL_Content" style="display: table-cell; padding-top: 1px; vertical-align: top; width: 10000px;"><a class="actorName" data-hovercard="/ajax/hovercard/user.php?id=1354160359" href="http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1354160359" style="color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none;">Aaron Jolly</a> <span data-jsid="text"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: purple;">Haha...</span></span><div class="uiTextSubtitle commentActions" style="font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px; padding-top: 2px;"><abbr data-date="Wed, 07 Oct 2009 19:33:11 -0700" style="border-bottom-color: initial; border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: initial;" title="Wednesday, October 7, 2009 at 8:33pm"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: purple;">October 7, 2009 at 8:33pm</span></abbr><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: purple;"> ·</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: grey;"> </span><span class="uiTextSubtitle comment_like_5672426" style="color: grey; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px;"><button class="stat_elem as_link cmnt_like_link" name="like_comment_id[5672426]" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: initial; background-image: none; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; border-bottom-style: none; border-color: initial; border-left-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-top-style: none; border-width: initial; color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; overflow-x: visible; overflow-y: visible; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; text-align: left; width: auto;" title="Like this comment" type="submit" value="5672426"><span class="default_message" style="display: inline;">Like</span></button></span></div></div></span></div></li>
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</ul><br />
We knew that Jesse had hypertrophic cardiomyopathy. A disease that enlarges the heart and scrambles the heart muscles so that the heart ends up beating irregularly and ineffectively. Our daughter Glenna was the first one in our family to show symptoms of the disease and when she was finally diagnosed in her senior year of High School we were told that we should have everyone in our family screened for the disease.<br />
<br />
We went and took our children who were still living at home to have echo cardiograms done. We found out that Dennis, Jesse's father, Jesse and his older brother Stefen also had the disease. Jesse was in Jr High, 7th grade when he was first diagnosed. His cardiologist was more concerned about Jesse because his blood pressure would drop during the stress test part of the testing. We had just gone in Nov of 2009 for check ups and Stefen and Jesse had halter tests done as well as the other testing. I wonder now what that test showed ... wonder why an ICD wasn't recommended. It was hard to hear that such a device could have saved Jesse's life, a device that Dennis and Stefen now have as a result of Jesse's death. Does it really need to take a death?<br />
<br />
There are so many If's when someone dies. That was one of the poems I wrote -- Ifs. All the what ifs and If Only's. <br />
<br />
Coming to find peace in this situation has been quite the journey. I believe that we don't die before our time, and know that it was the perfect time for Jesse to go .... down to the second of his death, and still ... it can be so hard in so many ways. The knowing of the mind doesn't always relieve the suffering of the heart. We will never not miss Jesse. He was and continues to be such a bright light in our lives. <br />
<br />
Jesse never once complained about not feeling well. Even when he was having sever trouble. Maybe he was so convinced of his invincibility .... as so many youth are. Maybe he was afraid I'd say no .... you can't ... Just a few days before his death he was having trouble that was obvious to some of his siblings, but I never knew about that until after his death. More of those what if's ... useless what if's.The Empty Bedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00633291902106528542noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4019260554402383352.post-68737770177016160122010-11-03T01:04:00.000-07:002010-11-03T01:12:06.234-07:00Listening<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">Listening ~</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">Oh so carefully,</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">to whispers, </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">from silenced lips --</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">silenced by death. </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">Ahhh, but -- </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">Just a trick,</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">for there is no death. </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">Beyond this sphere,</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">through the veil</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">you have gone.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">Listening carefully</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">I still hear your laugh,</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">music to my ears. </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">Only my spiritual eyes and ears </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">see and hear you now ... </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">Still a prankster, </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">smirking and playing tricks,</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">Making yourself and your wishes known.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">Bringing peace and comfort </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">to those left behind. </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">How you are loved!</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">You brought so many smiles, </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">so much laughter and fun. </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">Though your body </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">lies in the ground, </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">also left behind, ...</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">We know you soar ~ </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">High and Far -- </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">Spreading your wings of love</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">over all. </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">My angel son,</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">How you blessed us,</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">in life,</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">and now in your New Birth - </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">into Life Beyond. </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">I love you Jesse,</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">I love you forever ~~ </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">Love Mom <3 <3 </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;"><br />
</span>The Empty Bedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00633291902106528542noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4019260554402383352.post-85771525011365142172010-10-31T23:11:00.000-07:002010-11-02T21:18:03.737-07:00The Empty BedI'm finally doing it. I've felt the need to start a blog since my youngest 16 year old son Jesse died July 7, 2010. As I've been going through the grieving process I've written a lot, over 30 poems so far. I've been on the side of grieving where I was the one who didn't know what to say, found myself being consoled by the one who I was intending to console. I have learned so much and want to share the things I've learned as I've gone through this process. I want this to be a place where those who have suffered the loss of a child or loved one, especially having an empty bed in their home, can share their feelings -- anger, grief, abandonment etc. A place where we can share the amazing things about the one they are missing. The lessons learned, faith that has been challenged or strengthened.<br />
I have already written a lot and will begin posting -- my thoughts, feelings and experiences ... the poems I've written. I invite you to share your thoughts about what I've written or about your own experiences.<br />
<br />
I thank you for sharing in this journey ... sometimes roller coaster ride, this tribute to the life of my dear son H. Jesse Allen.<br />
<br />
ElizabethThe Empty Bedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00633291902106528542noreply@blogger.com0