Monday, December 6, 2010

Guide Me to Eternity

I had the wonderful opportunity to hear Christine Tuttle Monsen,  a few years ago in a church Relief Society meeting.  Christine lost her husband of eight years, John, in a boating accident.   It was a powerful and wonderful meeting.  My dear friend Sharlen who has gone through the pain of losing her son Coltan,  her only son,  recommended Christine's book -- Guide Me to Eternity.  I got it and today I read over half of it.  It has been helpful and healing to read.


Sharlen (who I found in a miraculous manner -- in fact we have come to recognize our son's hands in helping bring us together)  has been so helpful to me as I have been going through my own grieving process.  I have started a notebook where I am saving my email conversations with Sharlen.   When I figure out how to have a guest blogger Sharlen can add posts personally.  I have already added a post from Shar :)  I will be adding more from Sharlen. As I began saying,  it has been so healing to be able to share my feelings and writing with a friend, who can understand in ways that many cannot,  what it is I (we) am (are) going through.  It is the same kind of healing experience as I read Chris's (Christine Monson) experiences and feelings.


She says and I quote Christine's book -- Chapter 8 pg 119 -- "I felt comfortable telling him ( Bramwell, a close friend) things that I would not have told my parents, or John's (her husband who had died) parents or anyone in the family -- things that might have caused them pain or worry.  Families are important in this life, God ordained them.  But I believe that God ordained friendship, too. Friends provide a special kind of comfort and freedom that families can't.
    I told Bramwell (a close family friend) exactly how I felt, entrusting to him my tears and pain. I needed a witness to the worst part of my torment, someone who could say 'Yes, I understand those feelings and they are appropriate.  Don't worry Chris.' Though Bramwell didn't say those words, his willingness to listen had the same effect."


pg 103 (also Chapter 8) -- "The next morning I awoke feeling lonesome for John.  It was just as Carly Simon described in her song. 'The wee small hours of the morning' would be the time I'd miss him most of all.  But it was an emotion I let myself indulge in -- today was his funeral and burial.  Besides, I knew these feelings would be with me for awhile.  I was learning to relax and let them happen.  I was even coming to trust them, knowing by experience now that they would not destroy me.  Fearing them or fighting them only heightened my anxiety.  By accepting them and giving in,  the worst often passed sooner, and I felt better afterwards.  A good cry does wonders when you need one."


Wise words.  My conversations with Sharlen have blessed me immeasurably,  I count Shar as a special  blessing in my life.  Our Heavenly Father is so aware of us and our needs,  he allows us to bless others and be blessed by others in our friendships.   I have been so richly blessed by amazing family and friends in my life.  I have been blessed with family that are also friends,  family that has sustained similar loss and can share with empathy,  or are simply blessed with great compassion.  Thank you all who have blessed our lives in such great ways.  I love and appreciate you.

3 comments:

  1. Dearest Elizabeth, I had forgotten the words Christine used to describe the indescribable. It is soo true: we DO need a witness to our pain...validation is part of healing. "WHEN WE HONESTLY ASK OURSELVES WHICH PERSON IN OUR LIVES MEANS THE MOST TO US, WE OFTEN FIND THAT IT IS THOSE WHO, INSEAD OF GIVING ADVICE, SOLUTIONS, OR CURES, HAVE CHOSEN RATHER TO SHARE OUR PAIN & TOUCH OUR WOUNDS WITH WITH A WARM & TENDER HAND. THE FRIEND WHO CAN BE SILENT WITH US IN A MOMENT OF DESPAIR OR CONFUSION, WHO CAN STAY WITH US IN AN HR. OF GRIEF & BEREAVEMENT, WHO CAN TOLERATE NOT KNOWING, NOT CURING, NOT HEALING AND FACE US WITH THE REALITY OF OUR POWERLESSNESS; THAT IS A FRIEND WHO CARES."--Henri J.M. Nouwen

    Someone told me it is painful to even look at me. While that hurts...I am THAT woman, the mother who lost her son...I also understand that most don't want to even ponder on my reality, let alone face it.

    I KNOW friends are part of our eternal circles, and now you know it too, don't you?
    Thank you for being so willing to share your process and touch my wounds...I love you.

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  2. Thank you Shar -- Yes, now I do know -- In a way I could have never known before. It has changed me. I've had people comment on the changes they sense or see in me. You continue to bless my life, I am so grateful for you, your faith and wisdom.

    Love,
    Elizabeth

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  3. You got to meet her?! You are SO lucky! I read that book many years ago and it has always stuck with me. She hasn't shared much since then, that I've searched for. Did she re-marry? How has her family turned out?

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