I use all within my reach...to breach that bottomless cavern in my soul.
People, food, shopping, hobbies...all distractions designed to make me "forget".
Anything...even temporary, feels like relief...and then once again, I am filled with regret.
Oh, the joy of our circle, like those in the garden of Eden...suddenly we were cast out!
The purposes can be reasoned, in a place outside my heart...but what I FEEL brings doubt.
Then holidays, his heaven day, a birthday, or family celebration comes,
and the ache grows 'til the scab is ripped away...and the bleeding begins again.
I think of our future without him here, see his nephews...both have his name.
I search for a glimpse; a tiny piece of proof he's there...and my dreams become the same.
Goodbyes are agony, homecomings are mountains to scale, word of missionaries
bring happiness and sadness combined. Music, sports, laughter...are pain and joy intertwined.
His sisters look at me with gut-wrenching tears. Each new broken heart and adjacent loss, threatens
to push us over the edge...past the point of no return...if we give in to fears.
Where do we go? Where do we lay this down? Is there anywhere to rest? Every hour a memory, a song,
a flash of conversation runs through the mind. He is everywhere. All roads lead to him...literally...coming and going is a test.
My mind! Compromised forever...how could it possibly not be? I converse with him internally, always
trying to shut out the loud, demanding world that keeps me from hearing what I need.
Gone, but never gone...not for a moment. The weight presses down and hangs a shadow over all our
days and hope for joy coming to stay.
I writhe, I cry, and I let go....sinking. Then, I feel something...a whisper. Is it him? Is it the Father's love?
Or an echo of days yet to come?
I look up, and turn my face toward The Son, and toward my son. I pull myself in the directon he is...and I
choose faith, again.
I resolve to reach through the window he created to Him...and accept the gift that allows me to believe.
I feel his love for me, his sisters, his father and friends ...our circle he left early to preserve...for eternity.
His love for us, his covenants to keep, those eternal connections are all I seek.
I refuse to give up and give in, and make his sacrifice for us, be all for nothing.
I climb up, from off my knees with a power not my own, and face this day, while
breathing the prayer that never leaves...for strength I'll need when I will have to choose...AGAIN.